


the absolute queens of saving the galaxy

by eightbots



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures, Star Wars
Genre: Alternate Universe - Star Wars Setting, F/F, Ladypalooza 2015, Multi, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-06
Updated: 2016-01-11
Packaged: 2018-05-12 04:52:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5653108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eightbots/pseuds/eightbots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which a Jedi, a smuggler and a mechanic save the Galaxy. Or something like that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [oxfordRoulette](https://archiveofourown.org/users/oxfordRoulette/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pick a "popular" movie, and then write a weird crossover with it. Star Wars AU featuring Terezi Pyrope as a Jedi master. Great Gatsby AU featuring Feferi as a new money party baron. Indiana Jones AU with Aradia. Black Swan AU also with Feferi (the Condesce is her mom). I haven't gone to a movie theater since Thor 2 came out and haven't caught up on my filmography, so I'd prefer you keep it pre-2013? If you pick an old-old movie, keep it to the more classic/popular ones (Metropolis, Casablanca, The Birds, The Ten Commandments [lmao], etc)
> 
> Don't pick a movie that has 1,000 AUs for it already (like Pacific Rim). I like genre savyness, so make it as ridiculous as possible while also, sort of, taking it seriously.
> 
> How could I resist "Jedi Master Terezi"? That's just too awesome. I kept to movie canon 99% of the time, but Terezi made a perfect Chiss, so here's some [Chiss lesbians](http://dagmarvanadiel.deviantart.com/art/Chiss-Kiss-309300675) for reference. Vriska is a Zabrak, like Darth Maul. I can definitely confirm that they can grow hair, but I'm pretty sure a black and blue Zabrak is impossible. But this is a fanfic, so that's exactly what Vriska looks like. And Jade's still human.

Nar Shaddaa, aptly nicknamed ‘the Smuggler’s Moon’, is as dark and smelly as you’d ever imagined. You spot no less than 17 violations that would have gotten any respectable port shut down as soon as you land, and that’s not to mention the obvious smuggler ship you landed beside.

Or to put it another way, it was exactly what General Lalonde had told you to expect.

Not that you’re complaining! Getting to fly all around the Galaxy is one of the main highlights of being a Jedi. Thrillseeking may not be part of the manual, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it.

Even so, chasing an elusive Jedi Master through Imperial checkpoint after Imperial checkpoint got old pretty fast. Especially since your best lead is pretty questionable intel from a 60 year old Ithorian. You do not speak Ithorian. He may have been telling you to jump into a black hole.

You relax in the co-pilot’s chair and listen to Vriska fiddle with the hyperdrive. It overheated during your last jump, she’d said, and if she didn’t fix it it would take you a month get back to the rebel base on Yavin 4.  
Since you were a Jedi and known rebel and she was a wanted criminal, you agreed it better be fixed sooner rather than later. You’ll probably need to make a quick getaway.

Not that you knew where to even start. You’d already searched every desolate wasteland and abandoned temple you could think of, with no sign of who you’re looking for. That’s very strange, you think, since logic dictates those are the obvious places in which to look for a Jedi Master.  
This one had been smarter, or at least a bit more sociable than most, and hid among actual people. Turns out that makes you much harder to find.

Vriska climbs out of the floorduct behind you, wiping her hands on her jacket and flipping the toolbox closed with her foot.

“There’s good news and bad news,” she says. “The good news is that the hyperdrive isn’t totally burned out. The bad news is that I have no fucking idea how to fix it. We’ll have to hire a mechanic, because this shit is beyond me.”

You groan. “Vriska, if we let one of these people in here they’ll steal the entire engine. And I’ll blame you.”

She raises her hands defensively. “Hey, it ain’t my fault. I said we should’ve taken the Mindfang instead of this floating piece of spacetrash, but you insisted!”

“Your ship is about as subtle as a codpiece on a protocol droid. We’re supposed to be keeping a low profile. How you made it as a smuggler with it is beyond me.”

“I’m good at my job! And don’t act like you’re not doing this because you get off on being undercover.”

“That’s also true,” you grin, and flip the switch that lowers the ship’s ramp. “Alright, let’s go find a mechanic. Preferably one that has a shorter criminal record than you.”

* * *

 

It’s a dark, smelly morning on Nar Shaddaa. If it can even be morning on a moon. You’ve lived here all your life, but you’re still not sure. Your grandpa would probably know, but he’s not exactly talking to you these days.

You roll out of bed with all the grace of a baby Hutt, and land face-first on the dull metal floor of your ratty apartment. You groan and roll over, getting a good view of the dull metal walls and the dull metal ceiling.   
With a great exertion of will you untangle your feet from the blanket and get up. 

Your apartment consist of a small bedroom, a kitchen/livingroom, and a positively miniature bathroom. There’s a plant in the single window behind the couch, and you covered up the government-issued propaganda poster of the Empress with a (tasteful) poster of a pretty Twi’lek pilot someone gave you instead of credits for an engine part once. That was awkward as hell.

Humming, you pour yourself a cup of yesterday’s caf and take a sip.   
“I know, it’s almost time to go to work,” you say out loud. “But a girl needs her caffeine! Fixing other people’s stuff is a lot of work.”  
Unsurprisingly, no one answers you.

Your empty cup rattles against the bottom of the sink. On your way to the door you grab your goggles off the nose of your grandpa’s old Bola carbine and put them on. Then you take the gun. Just because your grandpa can’t see you go outside unarmed it doesn’t mean he wouldn’t know. You don’t need another lecture.

You press the door control and head to work.

* * *

 

“Do you really think this guy’s still around after 20 years? Maybe he moved. Or died,” Vriska says once you’re off the freighter. A colourful crowd of aliens – pirates and smugglers, most of them – and about five other ships fill most of the port. It takes you a few seconds to respond as you take it all in.

“It’s the only lead we haven’t followed yet. What makes you think it’s a guy?”  
“Wise mentor figure who’s just waiting to pass their obscure knowledge on to someone younger and hotter? Basically aways old white dudes. He probably has a beard, and a stupid robe.”

“That’s fair,” you agree. “Except for the robe hate. Robes are awesome.” You tug your hood on tighter with a deep sense of satisfaction. You can’t wait to drop this baby to the ground at an appropriately dramatic moment.

Vriska rolls her eyes. “You look like a dork, Pyrope. Take it off.”

You shoot her a grin. “I’m flattered! But I prefer a bit of romancing before I go that far.”

If Zabraks could blush, you’re sure she would have. Instead she just glares at you.  
“Are we going to keep standing here like a couple of idiots or do you have a destination in mind? Everyone’s staring.”

They weren’t, people had much better things to do, but part of you is almost too glad you can make her self-conscious. Her unwavering self-confidence is impressive, but also extremely annoying.

“We need a mechanic, since for some reason the self-proclaimed best pilot in the Galaxy can’t fix her own ship.”

“Stop getting on my case. I’ll have you know am the absolute fucking queen of fixing things, but that junkpile is older than my grandma. I only fly the best.”

You ignore her boasting. “And as four our mystery bearded old man, we should ask around whichever cantina on this planet smells the most crooked. You’ve been here before, right?”

Vriska nods. “There’s a few good mechanics by the hangars over there,” she points, “and we can ask around the Felt’s Mansion. Classiest scum den this side of the Outer Rim.”

“I knew I could count on you,” you smile at her.

She glares back. “Let’s just go.”

* * *

 

Even though the port is even more crowded than usual, you spot the Chiss in the robe immediately.   
The crowd discreetly parts around her as she makes her way between the parked ships, apparently looking for something. She has a certain air about her that just exudes trouble. It’s probably the fact that she’s wearing a hood. Even droids know that people like this are best to be avoided.

Robes are terrible disguises. You thought everyone knew that. A robe was basically a sign that said ‘Look at me, I’m a criminal and/or rebel with a flair for the dramatic, and someone is about to get shot’.

The tall, heavily armed Zabrak next to her is no reassurance either. They do say that trouble always comes in twos. For a second you stop to wonder who ‘they’ are. The proverbial they? Whatever, you don’t have the time for another existential debate right now, they’re heading in your direction.

Part of you (the part with common sense) tells you that the wise thing to do is look away before they make eye contact. Maybe even leave the hangar for a while. The other part is bored, and very curious to see the inevitable drama unfold.

The Zabrak catches your eye and tugs on her friend’s sleeve. Crap. Can’t get out of it now.

You briefly consider dropping the unstable fuel cell you’re holding to the ground and running for it (it would definitely explode, but that might distract them enough not to chase you), but before you can reach a decision they’re already standing at the entrance of the small unused hangar you work from.

“Are you a mechanic?” asks the robed one. An easy way out. Take it, Jade.

You look at the fuel cell and screwdriver you’re holding. “Nope. I’m watching these for a friend,” you say.

“Oh.” Her face scrunches up, as if she’s considering your words. Your hands, working on muscle memory alone, tighten the cell’s inhibitor without you even looking down. Dammit.

“Seriously, Terezi? She’s lying,” her Zabrak friend says. 

Wait a second. You squint at her through your goggles. “Don’t I know you?” you ask.

She seems surprised. “Uh, maybe? I haven’t been here in a while but…”

It hits you. “Oh! You’re the smuggler who couldn’t pay for a new power converter and gave me a naked girl poster for it! That was so weird.”

She looks scandalized. Terezi looks like she’s suddenly having the best day of her life.

“Vriska, you didn’t tell me you were smuggling illegal pornography! And here I thought you were a real criminal,” she cackles. “The flashy silver ship makes way more sense now, though.”

“I remember wondering about that actually,” you add agreeably. “That does make more sense than explosives, which is what she said she was carrying. Like ten times.”

“Shut up, I am not a porn smuggler!” Vriska shouts, just in time for an uncharacteristic lull in the conversation around you. For a few moments, everyone stares at her.  
“What are you looking at? Do you have nothing better to do?” Vriska shouts at them, and with murmurs and snickers the crowd slowly goes back to what they were doing.

“Look,” she says, turning back towards you. “I was smuggling explosives, but the Empire was scanning ships on my way here so I had to dump them and I didn’t get paid. That poster was on my cabin wall before I gave it to you.”

“Pfft, that’s the oldest lie in the book,” Terezi laughs.  
“It’s true!” the smuggler insists, crossing her arms defensively. “Don’t you have an important job to do? Please get it over with so I can go back to being anywhere else but with you.”

Terezi looks like she still wants to make fun of her, but she turns towards you instead. Crap. You were kind of hoping they’d forget about you and you could sneak away.  
“We need a mechanic to fix our hyperdrive, since neither of us knows how. I promise we can pay. With credits.”

Common sense once again tells you to say no and go hide somewhere quiet for the day. But then you remember all those adventures your grandpa used to tell you about. Did he live an interesting, exciting life because he had common sense? Fuck no. It’s time to follow in his footsteps, steal a set of Stormtrooper armor, and paint it blue!

Or maybe you’ll pace yourself and just follow these rebels to their ship.

“Alright, I can take a look,” you decide. “I’m Jade Harley, by the way. Best damn mechanic in the entire sector!”


	2. Chapter 2

You lead the cute mechanic to your freighter, promising her that you have all the tools and spare parts she’s likely to need on board.

“If you’re not careful someone’s gonna steal your stuff while you’re gone,” Vriska tells Jade.

“No way,” the human replies, cheery as anything. “I locked up! And I have an alarm installed, unlike most of these jokers. If someone tries to break in we’ll hear them from here.” She puffs out her chest. “Plus, people around here know not to mess with me, or I’ll mess right back.”

The blaster slung comfortably over her shoulder makes you sure she’s not joking. You’re becoming more grateful for Vriska’s uselessness by the minute.

The three of you make your way up the landing ramp, and you point Jade towards the correct maintenance duct. She surveys her surroundings sceptically before climbing down.  
After a beat, her head appears above floor-level again. “Umm, no offense, but where did you find this engine? It should be in a junkyard by now.”

“Told you,” Vriska snipes, walking past you and leaning against the wall next to where Jade is working. You join her.

“I can fix the hyperdrive if I override the busted compensator, but you’re probably gonna have to replace the entire fuel line after a few more jumps,” she says. “Cheaper to just get a better ship now than replacing the engine piece by piece later.”

“We just borrowed it,” you explain. “After we’re done here it only needs to make the trip back.”

“So don’t charge us for anything that isn’t absolutely necessary, Vriska threatens.

“Don’t worry, I don’t want to spend any more time here than I have to. No offense.” She pops up again to grab something from the toolbox and looks at you. 

“What do you mean? We’re great company!”

“Well, you two are obviously trouble. Nobody who isn’t trying to hide something wears a robe and a hood. And a smuggler with an eyepatch and a prosthetic arm? I can’t decide which one of you’s worse.”

Hurt, you take off your hood and put on your best offended expression.

She disappears back below with more bubbly laughter. You elbow Vriska in the ribs to wipe the smug look off her face, and she makes an offended sound.

“So, where did you come from?” Jade asks conversationally.

“Yavin,” Vriska tells her, and you give her a reproachful look. 

“Isn’t that the system all those rebels are supposed to be in?” the mechanic asks, although she doesn’t sound half as surprised as you’d expect her to be.

“She’s a rebel,” Vriska says, spitefully. “I’m just an honest smuggler who got roped into helping her by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. So much for my luck,” she mutters.

“Well, you’ve got nothing to worry about.” Jade pops up again, crossing her arms on the floor in front of her and looking up at you. “My grandpa and the Empire really never got along, and I don’t like them either. So I won’t report you. But what are you doing in Hutt space? The war hasn’t reached this sector yet.”

“We’re looking for someone,” you admit, since you don’t sense any deception in her words. You like this girl anyway.  
“A Jedi Master. As far as we know, this was the last place anyone ever saw him.”

Jade looks at you with wide eyes. “A Jedi? I thought they were all extinct.”

“Not all of us, no,” you say smugly. Vriska rolls her eyes, but you ignore her. She’s probably the most dramatic person in the Galaxy, so she can let you indulge sometimes.

“Whoa,” Jade says. “So you’re…”

“She’s just an apprentice,” Vriska interjects, and another wave of annoyance sweeps through you. Why do you put up with her again?  
“That’s why she’s looking for a master,” Vriska keeps going, completely aware she’s ruining your cool impression in Jade’s eyes. “She needs someone to teach her before she’s any help to anybody.”

“We got wind the Empire’s looking for him,” you explain. “We need to find him first.”

Fortunately for you (and for Vriska), Jade doesn’t seem any less starstruck. She climbs out of her hole and puts her hands on her hips. “Then I wanna help you guys! Grandpa and me have lived here forever, and he met all sorts of really interesting people. Maybe I can point you in the right direction.”

"We don’t have much to go on,” you say. "Whoever it is would've gotten here a long time ago and is probably keeping a low profile, if they're even still here."

Jade’s face falls, then brightens again. “Well I can’t help with that, but maybe my grandpa can! He was always the paranoid sort, so he kept tabs on everybody who got here around the same time as him, in case they were out to get him.”

You and Vriska exchange a look. It almost seems too good to be true.   
“It’s not like we have a better idea,” Vriska shrugs after a beat, and you nod.

“Alright, might as well try. Take us to him.”

* * *

 

You almost skip on the way back to your apartment complex. This is so exciting! You’re helping the Rebel Alliance and a real life Jedi! Unless they’re lying. But Terezi looks exactly like what you’d imagine a Jedi would look like. 

You can always just shoot them if they try to steal your flowers. Interior decoration is basically impossible to come by in these smuggler ports, so you wouldn’t be surprised. And against all odds, there’s no trouble in sight yet. Maybe you’ll actually get to have an adventure without being shot at.

That’s not to say everything is perfect. Vriska keeps stepping on Terezi’s robe and insisting it isn’t on purpose, like a child with a crush. You can’t resist rolling your eyes when their bickering persists all the way to the lift.  
The smuggler finally settles down, and you make it to your apartment door without further incident.

“The place is really small, and I haven’t cleaned up in a while,” you apologize as you let them in.  
“So, there’s the kitchen,” you point, “there’s Vriska’s poster…” 

Terezi laughs. “A Twi’lek? You’re so predictable,” and you give the smuggler a quick smile. 

“My bedroom’s through there,” you continue, “and that,” you point to the wall opposite the kitchen, “is my grandpa!”   
There’s total silence for a few moments, before Terezi breaks it.

“Your grandpa… is a slab of carbonite?”

* * *

 

“Yup,” Jade confirms, crossing the room and placing a hand on the slab’s side. “The controls got busted, so he’s kind of stuck like this.” She shakes her head sadly. “It was a tragic accident.”

“I’m… sorry,” you tell her. This doesn’t happen to you often, but you’re completely at a loss. You get all sorts of Force visions, most of them involving Vriska for some reason, but you did not see this coming.

“It’s okay,” Jade says in a reassuring voice. “It happened a long time ago, I was still a kid. I’ve been pretty much taking care of myself ever since!” She looks wistful for a moment. “But I still like to keep him around the place. It makes me feel less alone I guess. Plus, where else would I take him?”

Vriska looks just as stumped as you feel. “How exactly is he supposed to help us?” she asks. You both look to Harley the Elder for answers, but the twinkle in his dead, dead eye tells you that you won’t get any from him.

“Oh, he kept all the information on a terminal! I probably should have mentioned that.”

“No shit.”

“It’s over here,” Jade says and leads you further inside. She sits down on the couch and hits a wall switch, and a holographic screen appears in front of her. You and Vriska sit on either side of her.  
“I mostly use it to watch TV, but I kept all his old files. It would be rude to delete them since he’s kind of still around, you know?”

“Sure,” you deadpan.

You watch her navigate from screen to screen with her hand, until she finally stops.  
“I think this is it,” she says. “I’ve never actually read them all myself, so this’ll be pretty interesting!”

You start opening the files one by one. 

The first one is about a Rhodian called Tahdo, who ran from Coruscant because he owed too much money to a bounty hunter he hired to kill everyone else he owed money to. The second one is about a Toidarian who came to Nar Shaddaa simply because the Empress really didn't like Toidarians. So are about half the other files, actually. It was a nasty business.  
The list ends with a Mon Cala who was hiding from bounty hunters because he owed money to the wrong guy. Apparently he was found dead along with an unidentified Rhodian twenty years ago. 

You scowl. Nothing here that could point you to a Jedi. It seems like you're back to square one.

It hits Vriska before it hits you, which is a serious blow to your pride.

"Earlier you said your grandpa got here 20 years ago too, right?”

"Yeah, right after the Empire rose I think. A lot of people ran to the Outer Rim."

"From where?"

"Coruscant. Why?"

You raise your eyebrows at Vriska when she doesn’t press further, but she just shakes her head.

"Nevermind. There’s no way we just stumbled into the only person who…" She’s interrupted by the doorbell. Jade gets up and goes to answer it. A feeling of foreboding makes you follow her. 

She presses the door control. Outside four Stormtroopers are waiting, blasters at the ready.

“Where is the old man?” one of them barks.

“Shit,” all three of you say at the same time.


	3. Chapter 3

You jump out of the way and collide with Terezi, who dodged in the same direction. Vriska draws her pistol and shoots the nearest one in the head before any of them can react. Then, all hell breaks loose.

Laser bolts are flying everywhere, scorching your apartment, and you realize with dread you’ve definitely lost your lease this time. Vriska is taking cover behind your turned over dinner table, and one of the soldiers shoots your plant. You scream, and shoot him in the chest with your grandpa’s gun.

Terezi moves more quickly than seems humanly possible, wrests the third one’s blaster from him and knocks him out with it. You don’t know who got the last one, because you’re too busy looking at the hole someone shot into your grandpa’s face.  
“Oh nooo,” you say, cursing yourself for not moving him to the bathroom like you said you would.

Your place is wrecked, there are three (technically four) corpses in your living room and hallway, and even if you hadn’t shot one yourself you’d still be wanted for questioning. All you can really think is that you should have seen this coming. 

Before you can regret your choices even more, or process the revelation that hey, your grandpa was probably secretly a Jedi, Vriska grabs your arm and drags you outside.

Like Terezi predicts, running away from the Stormtroopers who are waiting for you is pretty easy, considering their uncanny hit-to-miss ratio. You make it back to Vriska and Terezi’s freighter only slightly singed. You override the compensator and have their hyperdrive working again in no time while Vriska takes off and flies you out of there. One of the benefits of being in a sector of space most famous for its crime rate is that the authorities don’t have much in the way of cooperation – or anti-aircraft cannons – in civilian areas.   
“The hyperdrive’s delicate, so make this count,” you warn them.

“I know,” Vriska says angrily, flying away from the soldiers’ harmless blaster bolts. Once you’re in the clear, she swivels around in her chair to glare at Terezi, who pointedly ignores her.

Something wrong, guys?” you ask. Terezi shakes her head, but Vriska points an accusing finger at her. 

“Of course there’s something wrong! I owed you a favour, Pyrope, and this was supposed to be it! But now I have to take you back to your rebel base and wait there for who knows how long before I can show my face again. Oh wait, except now they’ve seen me with you, and all my wanted posters will have “Rebel” slapped there right next to all the other shit I’ve pulled. And this one the Empress actually takes seriously.” She turns back around, huffing. “I should just head for Corellia and dump your ass on an asteroid on my way there.”

Terezi sighs. “Listen, Vriska. This wasn’t supposed to happen. As far as I’m concerned, you don’t…” She’s interrupted by the entire ship shaking. Before you can ask what’s going on, a TIE fighter zooms past the front of the ship, coming around for another attack.

For a split second, Vriska almost looks embarrassed. Then she springs to action, raising the deflector shields and taking potshots and the Imperial ship whenever it’s in her line of fire. One fighter explodes and two more immediately take its place. A part of you wishes Terezi had agreed to take Vriska’s ship. You doubt the one you’re in can dodge anything for long.

But despite her complaints, Vriska seems to be managing. “I’ll get you out of this and back to Yavin once I deal with these assholes,” she tells Terezi. “And I guess I have to take Jade back home afterwards since you got her into this mess.”

“I doubt I can go back any time soon,” you say glumly, leaning against the cabin wall.  
Your new friends exchange a guilty look.

“Aw, don’t feel too bad,” you tell them. “I mean, it’s completely your fault, and my grandpa hiding a huge secret from me all my life will probably have pretty big repercussions for my psyche. But the Imperials are the real bad guys here.”

Vriska seems to accept that, but Terezi doesn’t look convinced.  
“Besides, I knew the risks when Vriska told me who you were, and I still decided to help you. And…” you pause for a few seconds, weighing your options.  
“Maybe I can help out on Yavin too?” you say, unsure. “At least until things cool down here and I can go back. It’s all for a good cause, right?”

Terezi relaxes and gives you a big smile. Vriska rolls her eyes.  
“Jade, if you say shit like that and you’ll only get shot at again. Trust me kid, the only way to get by in this Galaxy is to go with the flow, keep out of the Empire’s way, and try to make a profit while you’re at it.”

It’s not a surprising attitude for someone like her, but for some reason you’re still hurt.  
“You can’t seriously believe that,” you say defiantly.

“You get shot at all the time anyway,” Terezi points out. 

“Ugh, whatever.” Vriska turns towards the front again. “Go off to save the Galaxy together, I’m sure you’ll do just great. But when you get in over your heads don’t expect me to be there to save your asses.”

“I would never think that of you,” Terezi reassures her.

Vriska is too busy blowing up another TIE to come up with a comeback, and a few moments later space around you disappears and you’re surrounded by the blue and white lightshow of hyperspace. Vriska leans back in her chair, and crosses her feet on top of the console.

“I just outmanoeuvred three Imperial TIE fighters with a pile of floating space trash. You’re welcome.”

* * *

 

Unsurprisingly, neither of them thanks you. But it’s not your fault the ship lurched when you jumped and they fell over. It has seats for a reason. You try to discreetly look at Jade, but she’s too busy nursing a bump on the head to look impressed. Trying to impress Terezi is a lost cause, so you don’t even check.

Yavin 4 is a long way away, so the three of you are stuck in the ship for almost an hour. Most of it consists of awkward half-conversations about Jade’s grandpa (in your opinion, the most surprising part is that he only had a moustache) and even more awkward silences.   
As much as you hate starfighters you find yourself starting to wish for one. Even an annoying, incessantly beeping astromech would be better company than these two.

In a stroke of luck, Terezi finally decides to take off her robe. You’re pretty sure she wears it whenever she wants to be a drama queen, so you’ve only seen her dressed like a person a few times in your unfortunately extended partnership. You watch her take it off, because there’s nothing else to do.

“Whoa,” Jade says, and you nod subconsciously. “Is that…”

Terezi grins, and unlatches the lightsaber from her belt. Oh, that. “Wanna try it out?”

“Can I?” Jade asks gleefully, and moves to stand next to Terezi, who passes her the weapon. 

You get up and walk over to them, curious to see who’ll get accidentally stabbed.   
“I think you’re holding it upside down,” you tell Jade, and watch with glee as she turns it around.

“She wasn’t,” Terezi says, aggravated. 

Jade glares at you. “Why would you say that?”

“Come on, it was going to be funny.”

“I could have hurt myself, Vriska!”

“That’s what med bays are for.”

She glares at you again, but is immediately distracted when Terezi switches the lightsaber on for her. You let yourself admit her big goofy smile is kind of cute.

“Shoom. Shoom,” she says, waving the lightsaber back and forth, admiring the trail of light it leaves behind.

“It makes its own noises,” you point out, but she ignores you. 

She strikes a pose and you flinch when the blade passes two inches away your face.  
“Watch out, I’m a Jedi Knight,” Jade says dramatically. “I will save damsels and strike down the evil Sith with my lightsaver!”

“Lightsaber,” Terezi corrects her.

“I don’t get the hate,” you say. “I mean, at least they’ve got brains. You don’t get to rule the Galaxy with pointless moralizing.” 

Terezi elbows you in the stomach, and you punch her in the ribs in return. It quickly devolves into a scuffle, with your hands in Terezi’s hair and her teeth around your prosthetic arm.

Jade turns around to face you, making you jump out of the way. Both you and the Jedi fall over.   
“Stop,” Jade warns, pointing the weapon at you “or I will have to use the Force to make you kiss and make out!”

“That’s now how the Force works,” Terezi hisses, trying to pry your knee off her chest.

“And I think the expression is ‘kiss and make up’,” you add, rolling off Terezi and dusting yourself off.

“I know what I said,” Jade tells you with a grin, and shuts the lighsaber off. “I’d be doing you a favour,”

‘Fuck your favours,’ you start saying, but the Galaxy chooses that moment to materialize around you again, and the lurch throws you off your feet this time. Terezi, who was still sitting on the ground and was thus unaffected hisses “Justice,” in your direction, and you stick out your tongue at her before getting up and into the pilot seat. Someone has to make sure you don’t crash into the planet.


	4. Chapter 4

Life on Yavin 4, you find, is surprisingly dull. The first few days were exciting – rebel pilots are constantly running about every which way, general Lalonde assigned you to engineering and you got to work on ships you’d never dreamed of getting your hands on, and you met no less than five astromechs and a protocol droid. You love droids.

But the novelty soon gave way to routine. Nobody knows you, so they only ever talk to you when their engines need fixing. As cute as droids are, you only speak a few words of binary, and the protocol droid is too much of a snob to hang out with grease monkeys.   
Rose is nice, and she always makes sure to talk with you when you cross paths, but she's officially a Big Fuckin’ Deal and much too busy to come see you every day.

As for Terezi and Vriska, all they do anymore is tug at each other’s pigtails.   
Vriska keeps threatening to leave and then never does, and Terezi keeps threatening to stab her if she doesn’t.   
Unlike Vriska she actually went through with it once, and you’ve never seen an adult sulk as hard as Vriska had after that. You didn’t see her for two days and you started to regret teasing them.

On the third day she showed up again, but instead of following Terezi or ‘giving flying tips’ to John, one of the rebel pilots, which is pretty much all she usually did, she started hanging around you.   
Against all odds you like Vriska, a lot, and you’d be glad for her company if she did anything besides complain.

“I know she ‘saved my life’, if you can call it that, but where does she get off on treating me like I’m some kind of baggage she has to carry around?” she rants, sitting on the ground next to you while you’re fixing an X-Wing’s droid socket. The astromech had fallen right through in the middle of a training excersize, which is a special brand of unlucky when you’re in zero gravity. You had to make sure it couldn’t again. Especially since nobody has seen poor R5 since.

“Yeah,” you agree when you realize Vriska’s waiting for a response. She seems satisfied, because she immediately starts talking again.

“I mean, she was the one who insisted I owed her! I’d have been perfectly happy dropping her off at the nearest spaceport and never seeing her again. But no, she dragged me into crusade after pointless crusade.”

“Uh-huh,” you say, reaching for a bigger wrench.

“I thought we were friends by now. A team, you know? I even let Lalonde tell me what to do for some reason, but does the high and mighty Pyrope thank me? Does her Jedi-ness acknowledge all the extra effort I’ve gone to to repay her favour? I don’t think so!”

You think you feel a vein throbbing in your forehead, and you try to calm down. Usually you’re a nice, calm person, who learned to put up with a lot of bullshit through years of working with impatient pilots and scumbags. But something about Vriska just gets to you. Maybe it’s just the fact that she’s picked you to whine to, or her hypocrisy, or the fact that she only ever seems to be talking about Terezi and okay maybe you’re a bit jealous. 

You tune her in again, and she’s still talking.  
“You know she didn’t even ask me to be there when her and Lalonde were talking about some new assignment she’s supposed to be sent on? I asked her about it afterwards, but the asshole just ignored me! I mean I know I said something kind of mean about her old Master this morning but even after I apologized she…”

You throw the wrench against the ground, and Vriska recoils at the sudden noise.  
“Will you shut up, Vriska?” you shout. “I swear, if I hear one more word I will take that screwdriver and shank you!”

Vriska gulps audibly. “I, uh…”

“WHAT did I just say?” You glare at her for a few seconds, to make sure she wasn’t going to say anything. Vriska stares back, dumbfounded. 

You take a deep, calming breath.  
“Do you listen to yourself? You spend all your time pretending you're so smart because everyone here is ‘a stupid idealist’ and how we’re all ‘bound to get ourselves killed and you don’t plan to stick around to see it’. How can you expect people to thank you for helping if they know you’ll just beat them down more if they try?”

Vriska doesn’t respond.

“And why would they thank you, anyway? Everyone here is working their asses off trying to save the Galaxy, not just you. You aren’t anybody special Vriska, you’re just getting in the way! Maybe if you helped because, oh I dunno, it’s the right thing to do, people might actually start thinking you’re worth keeping around!” 

She’s not looking at you anymore, but you’re not done. “And your empty threats about leaving don’t work either! We all know it’s just part of this stupid, annoying professional bad girl act you insist on putting on, like every other criminal that helps us out. Well, nobody buys it, least of all me!”

There, you’ve said it. Your chest feels like it’s never been lighter, and you’re pretty sure you’ve also worked off at least some of the frustration you gathered every time you tried talking to her about your own issues and she just ignored you. Job well done, Harley.

Vriska sits on the ground for a few more seconds, not looking at anything in particular. Then she gets up and walks away. You watch her go, but she doesn’t spare you another glance until she’s out of the hangar. 

Great. After every fake threat and cry for attention, you think you just made Vriska leave for real. Rose and John will be disappointed. Terezi will be upset. You’re already upset. Good one, Jade.

When you finally dare to emerge from the hangar 15 minutes later, her stupid shiny ship is gone. Terezi and John are standing next to where it used to take up the space for eight starfighters.

“Hey guys,” you greet them. John gives you a wave, while Terezi just scowls a bit harder.

“She really left, huh?” John says. “I always thought she was just saying that, like half the smugglers that help us out do. She kept talking about how much she could teach me about flying if she didn’t hate starfighters. 

“‘Fighters are for chumps,’” he imitates her arrogant lilt. “’Are you a chump, John? When I leave I’ll take you to Nal Hutta and show you a real ship.’” He looks down sadly. “But she didn’t even come to say goodbye.”

Terezi still says nothing. You fidget uncomfortably for a few seconds.

“I think it’s my fault,” you sigh. They both turn and look at you. “I kind of shouted at her and told her she was an idiot, and that everyone could see right through her.” You shake your head. “I think I went too far.”

Terezi speaks up after that. “Don’t beat yourself up. It was going to happen sooner or later. Either someone told her how annoying she was to her face or she’d just get tired of being here, whichever happened first.” Her face is set as she moves past you. “It should have been me, but I guess I’m too jealous of her overconfidence to shatter it like that.” 

She sighs. “Come on.”

“Where are we going?”

“You know how people have been saying that the Empress might be building some kind of superweapon?” John asks. “Well, we just tracked down the plans, and Rose is sending us after them.”

“And since Vriska has fucked off, you’re coming along as my co-pilot,” Terezi orders.

You shrug and follow her. It sounds exactly like the excitement you signed up for, and it might get your mind off Vriska for a while. That can only be for the best.

* * *

 

This time, you take an almost modern two-man fighter instead of the oldest freighter in the Rebel Alliance fleet. Nobody can say Terezi Pyrope doesn’t learn from her mistakes. 

And you’re pretty sure Vriska went after that ship with a sledgehammer when you got back to the base.

Jade settles comfortably into the seat next to you while you input hyperspace coordinates into the navigation computer.

A small, holographic Rose Lalonde appears on the console to debrief you.

“Our informants have confirmed that the Empress truly is planning to build yet another superweapon, because of course she is,” the General begins. “Our job is to steal or destroy those plans before she can build one more massive death machine for her already impressive arsenal. Those plans are currently being transported on an Imperial Star Destroyer.” A schematic of a massive red ship replaces Rose.

“Normally, a ship with this kind of cargo would travel entirely through hyperspace, and be beyond our reach. Lucky for us, a massive asteroid field left over from the last planet they blew up will be in their way, and they’ll have to navigate it manually.” A large number of smaller ships appear around the Star Destroyer. 

“Unlucky for us,” Rose continues, “that means it has a large escort. The plan is this:” The ships are replaced by Lalonde again. “Our fighters will engage the escort, while our bombers target the Star Destroyer’s hangar bay. Once its defences are destroyed, several teams, led by Terezi, will land inside and make their way to the bridge, where the plans are being held. If all goes well, by the time you have them the rest of the fighters will have dealt with the Imperials, and you’ll be able to fly out of there without any resistance.” Rose pauses for a moment, to make her next words appropriately dramatic.

“That will be all. Good luck, and may the Force be with you.” The hologram disappears. 

You start up the engines in silence, waiting for Jade to say something first.  
Do you do this stuff all the time?” she asks finally.

You nod. “It can get pretty dangerous, although I can’t say I’ve ever had to fight an entire fleet in the middle of an asteroid field before. Not without Vriska piloting, anyway.”   
You turn towards her. “Don’t worry though. We’ll need to make another quick getaway, so you’ll stay in the ship. Assuming we don’t crash before I get us on board.”

“Nuh-uh,” Jade refuses immediately. “You’re not the boss of me and Rose didn’t give me orders to stay behind, so I’m coming with you. I can take care of myself. I know Nar Shaddaa wasn’t nearly as dangerous as an Imperial Star Destroyer will be, but I did learn a thing or two.”

You shrug, but can’t help smiling. “Suit yourself. But I’m not scraping you off the floor when we end up having to blow the place up and you get squished by a rafter.”

“Deal.”


	5. Chapter 5

The mission went according to plan, at least until a stray meteor blews up one of your engines. You were re forced to crash land inside the Star Destroyed before anyone else got there. You and Jade were captured in short order, and without a leader the rest of your fleet was chased off. 

You’re currently pacing up and down your cell, while your erstwhile co-pilot sits on the bench and stares at the ground.

Guilt gnaws at you. It’s your fault she’s here. It’s also your fault she’s probably not going to make it off this ship, but you know apologizing would be pointless. Only doing something can fix this.

You wish they hadn’t taken your lightsaber.

“What’s going to happen to us?” Jade asks after you’ve been waiting for at least 20 minutes.

“Right now they’re letting us stew, so we can imagine all the awful things they’ll do if we don’t cooperate,” you say. “Then they’ll bring in some officer who looks like every other officer who ever lived and he’ll start asking us questions about where we came from, who we’re working with and so on. We won’t answer, he’ll get mad, then I’ll say something sassy, and he’ll order them bring out a scary floating ball with a stupid name like ‘mindprobe’, or ‘brainsweeper’, or ‘skullfucker 60000’.

“I doubt it’ll be skullfucker 60000.”

“I know. The Empress outlawed creativity.”

As if on cue, the cell doors open and in steps a man straight out of a propaganda poster, flanked by two troopers. 

“Rebel scum,” he says when he lays eyes on you.

You lean towards Jade and stage whisper. “See? How unoriginal can you get.” 

“Silence!” he shouts and you shrug and sit down next to Jade. You give him an expectant look.

“So… who talks first?” asks Jade after a beat. He steps towards her, and you use the Force to throw him screaming into one of his soldiers. The second one points his blaster at you, and for a second you think he’s actually going to shoot you.

Luckily he doesn’t. As you suspected, they know who you are and consider you too important to just kill. Although you really would’ve put yourself somewhere with higher security. Frankly, you’re almost offended.

With a growl, the officer straightens himself and dusts off his jacket.  
“Fine. If that’s how you want to play it, I guess we’ll have to do this the hard way. Trooper,” he turns towards the soldier who’s still aiming at you, “bring in… the mind probe.”

“Called it,” you grin, and Jade high-fives you.

* * *

 

It takes the Stormtrooper a long time to return. While you’re waiting you try to suggest to the nice officer that they rebrand the mindprobe to ‘skullfucker’, since it sounds much more intimidating. He gives you a dirty look and doesn’t say anything.

Finally you hear footsteps outside, and the cell door opens. The soldier does not have the mind probe with him, unless it’s tiny. He also looks like his armor got a few sizes smaller.

“Aren’t you a little tall to be a Stormtrooper?” asks the Imperial officer, before the soldier in question shoots him in the face. The other soldier goes down with barely a sound.  
Your rescuer stares at them for a few seconds, then pulls off the white helmet. You gasp in surprise. Terezi smiles crookedly, like she always does when she’s right about something.

Before you stands a very sweaty, very pissed-off looking Vriska.  
“Not a fucking word,” she warns you, and ushers you outside.

“How did you find us?” you ask her as you quickly make your way down the corridor.

“I have my ways,” she replies, just as you pass a very beaten up man in his underpants. Oh.

“Almost forgot,” she adds, and hands Terezi her lightsaber.

Terezi fastens it to her belt. “You have my eternal gratitude.”

“About time.”

Following Vriska’s lead, you make your way down the Star Destroyer’s many corridors, shooting Stormtroopers with rifles you borrowed from their own fallen comrades. It’s a sad sort of irony that a small time mechanic from the Outer Rim can use one better than any of them, you think. Who the hell do they enlist?

You make it to the hangar bay in less than 10 minutes, and Vriska’s ridiculously large silver ship is waiting for you there. All the TIE fighters around it, and the ship you got in with are flaming wrecks.  
“This thing has proton torpedoes,” Vriska explains with glee.

On the inside, Vriska’s cabin has eight whole seats, and screens cover almost every inch of the walls. She sits down behind the control panel, and hits it with her fist when all the screens flash red.  
“Ugh, they’ve locked on to us with a tractor beam! Hold them off while I override it,” she orders. 

A more than slightly terrifying look crosses Terezi’s face. “With pleasure,” she says gleefuly, turns around and goes back outside. You grab your gun and follow her.

A squad of Stormtroopers is already assembling between two TIE wrecks, but your eyes are on the Jedi.  
She slowly lifts her hands to the collar of her robe, and with a dramatic flourish throws it to the ground at her feet. She wraps her right hand around the lightsaber handle.

Vriska was wrong, you decide, when the blue blade flicks to life and Terezi deflects the first blaster bolt back to its sender. This is the coolest thing you’ve ever seen.

The two of you take out about half of them before Vriska calls you back inside. The ramp closes behind you just as the engines hum to life. Terezi takes the co-pilot’s seat, while you take the one behind Vriska. 

The ship lifts off, and you speed out of the hangar so fast you almost collide with another stray chunk of meteor, but Vriska swerves and avoids it. Despite the lurch, for once none of you fall over. 

Things are going pretty well, you think. Maybe a little… too well?  
“Wait, what about the plans?” you remember. “We didn't get them!”

“We'll just blow their ship up,” Terezi explains, like it’s obvious. “We can do that, right?”

Vriska looks at her like it's the stupidest question she's ever heard. “Of course. Who do you think I am?”

“The absolute queen of blowing shit up?” you ask.

“It's me, bitches.”

She flies away from the Star Destroyer, then circles around and heads back, right into the flurry of lasers they finally started to shoot at you.

“Or more accurately,” she adds, pressing a button on the console, “it’s them. Now, John!”

A whole squadron of rebel bombers emerges from behind various asteroids, and fall into formation around you. John cheerfully gives everyone orders over the comm, and about half of them head towards the shield generator while the rest of you head straight for the bridge. 

The battle is decided before it’s even really begun.

* * *

 

“So, what happened to not coming back to save us?” Jade teases Vriska later, once the flaming wreck is far behind you and you’re safe in hyperspace.

“You know, you could show me a tiny bit of gratitude and not bring that up. Ever. Since, you know, I saved your lives.” Vriska doesn’t sound as grumpy as she probably wants to, still riding high from your victory. Or, as she probably sees it, her victory.

“How did you even know we were in trouble?”

“Ugh, John called me. Trust me, you do not want to see the guy beg. It’s like if eight puppies had a baby and its name was Egbert.”

She turns towards you, grinning, long hair plastered to her face. “So, we finally square now, Pyrope? You saved my life, I saved yours. Time to finally go back to my slightly more peaceful life of crime.”

You think about it.

“No,” you decide, grab her by the collar of the stupid white armor she’s still wearing, and kiss her. You let her pull away when she freaks out, like you knew she would, but you don’t let go.  
Once she stops sputtering, you lean in again. This time she meets you half-way. 

When you pull apart, you take a good look at her. She has probably never looked so mellow in her life, you note with satisfaction.

Jade, who was watching all of this with a huge grin, gives you a thumbs-up over Vriska’s shoulder, but you’re not an idiot. You also don’t mind sharing. You give her a meaningful look and turn Vriska around towards her without hesitation.  
“Go for it.”

“Wha…” the smuggler manages to say before Jade take her face in both hands and kisses her too. The smuggler gets a grip much more quickly this time and practically melts into Jade. 

When Jade finally comes up for air you high-five her again, while Vriska turns back towards the ship’s controls, smiling like she’d just been kissed by two girls. You put a hand on her shoulder.

“Vriska,” you say sincerely, “I just want you to know that you didn’t earn any of this.” Jade nods.

Vriska grins. “Come on, I basically just saved the Galaxy! The hero always gets the girl.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear recipient, I hope you liked it! I'm not sure if I kept to your prompt 100%, especially regarding the genre-savyness, but I tried to include it as much as possible along with the other jokes. Originally this was going to end with Vrisjade and Jaderezi, the ships you asked for in your other prompts, but Scourge kind of fit in more naturally in the end. Since no ship is everyone's cup of tea, I really hope you don't mind it! If you do, I'm sorry. I tried not to focus on the shippy stuff too much, just in case.
> 
> Writing this was a big learning experience for me, so I'd like to thank you for your great requests. Happy (late) new year!


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